Inner Monologue, Spoken Out Loud (A Series, Pt. 6)

July Thoughts (Part 5/5)

7/30

1. Lock in

2. Imagine a diagram where here’s the line, and here’s where you’ve crossed it; where here’s my last nerve, and here’s where you’re on it.  Now imagine a diagram where here’s that same line, but here’s where you’re behind it; and, where here’s my last nerve, and you’re off of it.  That’s- that’s how I need you to be.

3. I hate when ppl bring up old stuff.  Like could we not replay that joint like I’m a record.

4. Sometimes I wonder if I’m scared of God’s final say bc I’m secretly insecure about my sin, or because I’m too in love with my sin to respect God at times.

5. Bare minimum tabling and recruitment today for my 0/10 energy

6. POV I’m scared of being biblically illiterate

7. So what’s the point of a credit card lollll 🤣 like why I gotta pay to have my own money??

8. Jesus sat with sinners, yano?  He’s sat with me, yano?  He actually continues to sit with me day after day.  He does the same for you, and will continue to do it for you.  You are loved by God!

9. I don’t have money (to spend)

10. During the 2021 Olympics, I got up at 3-4am to watch ppl run a 1500m or a marathon trail run.  This year’s me ain’t built for all that hahah 😂😂😭

7/31

1. Come do nothing with me.

2. Yet another day of me squinting to see if people are Black or not so I can recruit them to Black United Students.

3. Respectfully, as soon as someone says “go on HerdLink, and…”, I’ve completely lost interest in their campus organization 😭 ‘cause ain’t no way I’m doing all of that.  Just tell me when and where y’all meet and I’ll lyk if I can make it out. 😭💀

4. I wish you could comment on the things ppl post on Facebook marketplace.  Just saw someone try to sell a barn as a “tiny house”.  Negro, that’s not a house, that’s a barn.  I want to (respectfully) tell this person to take it down in a comment section.

5. The intimate connection between “let’s pack today so I can simply just move tomorrow” and “packing sounds like tomorrow’s problem” are very strong right now.

6. Finna start saying “thank you” after someone tells me that they like me romantically as a form of rejection, followed by blocking them (if they don’t get the message), because I’m starting to run out of money for therapy 😭 Like "how are you trying to ruin my life this time??"

7. I feel bad for the ppl who don’t understand my lingo and sense of humor.  Like they must be REALLY concerned for my mental health 😭

8. Things I would buy if I were rich (if I had a job with stable pay of more than $10 or $15 an hour): 1) a car (plus gas and other maintenance items) 2) an apartment or small house with a tiny yard of my own (with furniture, kitchen supplies, and other necessities) 3) food to fit my taste buds 4) a machine that makes food last forever so I don’t have to worry about eating a leftover meal before it goes bad (fridges and freezers don’t cut it for me) 5) a couple pairs of sandals 6) winter pajamas 7) a Marshall designed twin xl comforter 8) travel country to country 9) a Bible-time culture book 9) more nicer summer clothes 10) headphones (my current headphones are taped together ahah) 😭) 11) a speaker 12) another water bottle

9. I hate when ppl try to halfway cut me off.  Like bro just leave.  I honestly don’t care, just don’t be fake hahah 🤣😭

10. I hate when ppl say that I’m sensitive.  Like, no, I’m emotional, which is different.  I don’t get offended easily.  I’m patient.  It’s just that every emotion that I have, whether positive or negative, I feel at a deeper level than everyone else bc I recognize that I’m experiencing emotion and evaluate how I should or shouldn’t react accordingly, and some ppl don’t know how to do that.  They envy that I can recognize and deal with my emotions in a healthy way, and call me sensitive as an insult.

11. My life becomes more peaceful when I stop trying to overcompensate ppl’s wrong perceptions of who I am with apologies and over-explanations

12. Losing things like my ankle brace, and breaking things like my headphones has helped me to realize why my parents never bought me new things when I lost or broke them.  Like no- ma’am, I will not buy you a knew ankle brace, and I will not buy you a knew pair of beats headphones, those things are expensive, and you need to be responsible 😭

13. Dear Lord, I pray over everyone’s silent battles as I fight my own with only Your will, power, and strength.  In Jesus name I pray, amen.

14. I wonder what I’d be like if I didn’t zone out and run my life on autopilot, or have a longer attention span.

15. Bro, I just looked at Marshall’s last IG post where it shows Marshall’s campus in all four seasons, and I thought about how back in first grade, we used to say “summer, fall, winter, spring, we love summer best of all” 😭

16. Life tip: never go to a place for the first time with someone special, you may end up loving the place, but envying the person, cutting them off, and not being able to enjoy the place without the memory of the person.

17. Craving crab cakes is an expensive treat to have to debate.  Why am I paying $30 for two crab cakes and two sides 😭

18. GenXers be like “oh, you’re 19, I bet you don’t know what a box tv is or what a record player is.  OH OH, and you don’t know what a pay phone is!”  Bruh, I’m 19 not 8 😭

19. I low key be making myself anxious

20. Bruh, why does “free will” when referring to God’s grace remind me of when a Coach says “optional practice”.  Like okay, let’s proceed with caution on this one

21. I need a spontaneous extroverted friend.  A friend that I call and have a multiple hour chaotic yap sesh with so I can do productive things like clean or pack.  I need a friend that would be down to go on a last minute trip out of the county or state.  I need a friend that will give me a break from being an extrovert.